You

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…..Maybe tomorrow won’t be this hard. But who am I kidding, I know what I’m missing….

These last few days have been absolutely awful. I don’t want this to be a “sob story” post, but I can’t shake the feeling of constantly wanting to cry, if I’m not crying. I’ve been crying off and on like crazy. I’m sad, bitter, heartbroken.

I planned my life around you. We made plans, some of those plans were in the processes. How could you just throw all that away? I’ll never understand. How could you make me take second fiddle to something so stupid?

I feel like a fool.

I should have never gotten so wrapped up in everything–all of our plans and such. I should have lived my life….let your life revolve around mine instead of my life revolving around you.

Who am I kidding? That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Our lives are supposed to revolve around each other. Somewhere I feel like only half of that happened.

How do I change how I’m feeling? What’s done is done. I realize that. I know I need to move on, get over these feelings of being hurt but how do I do that? How do I just keep going on with life, knowing what could have been.

I’ve hit a wall.

I know you’re reading this post now. Probably in tears. That makes two of us. I’m so hurt but all I can think about is you and what we had and what we would have had.

Why is it just so easy for you to throw that away?

Maybe I need to be more like you.

I’m just a fool.

Just a Fool

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I had a really bad day today, and it got me thinking about my life. I always strive to do good and make a difference.

However I can’t see what good I’ve really done. What have I done with my life? I’m stuck in Kane. I have an Associates degree that took me 5 years to achieve. I’ve got a pretty good job, but its not what I want to do with my life. I think the best thing I’ve done with my life is putting it back together when it all fell apart and that’s still iffy.

Why is the best thing I’ve done in my life, something I’ve done for myself? If that’s not selfish, I don’t know what is. So how can I pride myself on striving to better the world if I can’t do anything other than put my life back together?

I think I’m in a funk.

Maybe I need a new direction.

Suggestions?

Where To Begin?

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Time flies make a statement take a stand.

I have so much to say but I don’t know how to get it all out. Where to start or what I should say or just keep to myself. So this post may be unorganized and vague.

I guess since this is my blog I can say anything I want. Right?

Why is it that in every day life, I feel the need to keep my mouth shut, just to keep things peaceful? It is only when I’m pushed to a certain limit that I explode. This was one reason I started my blog. So I could say what is on my mind, but people liked what I had to say and now I feel like I need to watch what I say, so that I don’t upset anyone that reads my blog. It doesn’t make sense, does it?

Okay. I’m putting that aside and speaking my mind.

Why am I having such a hard time trusting? There aren’t many people I fully trust, without reservations. Why? I don’t even trust myself completely….this, as you may guess, can be a huge problem. How do I build trust? How do I fix this problem? I’ve been trying for months and I’ve tried everything I can think of. I know it’s not fully up to me to build trust with another person….but it is fully up to me to build trust with myself.

There may be some big changes coming up in my life. I can’t say what right now, but I’ve been so excited about them until I told someone extremely close to me and they weren’t 100% supportive. They put doubts in my mind.

One might say who cares? Don’t listen to them! But it’s never that simple, is it? Because even if I don’t listen to them at that very moment those concerns will still be in the back of my mind, waiting to rear their ugly heads when the opportunity strikes. When I least expect it.

Why can’t people be happy for me and supportive? When someone comes to me with something healthy that they’re excited about, I’m happy for them and supportive. I know they only want the best for me, but let me decide what’s best for me without their doubts!

Blah!

So now my mind is racing about everything and it shouldn’t be! I should be just plain excited! Every time I’m so certain about something, someone comes along and makes me second guess myself.

What it boils down to is that I’m hurting people with my decisions, but if I don’t do what I feel is right, I’m hurting me. I’m scared now, when I wasn’t scared to begin with. Scared to make these decisions, scared to hurt others, scared to hurt myself, scared to make the wrong decisions and screw up my life again.

I know things are different now, but I also know how fast things can change and knock you off your feet. I don’t ever want to be back to that point ever again.

I need people to be supportive–no matter what decision I make. I need people to work as hard as I do to build that trust up. I need life to be simple. I need to be excited about something. I don’t need that excitement taken away from me.

It’s my life! Give it back! (And give it back in one piece.)

WTF Infomercial?!

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I’m currently watching an infomercial for a CD that can magically “cure” anxiety and depression. Watching this makes me sick.

They are saying that a person with anxiety and depression can be magically cured by their CD—that no one has to be on medication, all they need is this CD .

This outrages me! They are making it sound like anyone with these mental disabilities is full of shit. Ill tell you who’s full of shit! It isn’t the person with anxiety or depression!

I don’t see how a CD can magically cure someone with major anxiety or depression. Maybe a minor case of the blues or stress, but really? Everyone? There is no way.

Maybe I’m wrong……but isn’t depression caused by a chemical imbalance? How can a CD cure that? How can a CD cure panic attacks?

In my case there are and have been a lot of different aspects involved in my treatment. My list of diagnosis’s is pretty extensive and let me tell you that positive self talk and imagery didn’t do shit for me until I was put on medication and had intensive therapy. Positive self talk and positive imagery can only do so much.

This infomercial shouldn’t even be on TV. Fuck them!

Slow and Steady

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I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall. Yeah, I move slow and steady, past the ones that I used to know.

I feel like I’m finally getting things back on track with my life. I’m in a good place. It’s taken me some time to get here and lots of tears, but I’m finally happy with the way my life is. I know that things could change in the blink of an eye, and probably will, but for now I’m enjoying every minute of it.

As I’ve mentioned before I started a new job. I can’t say too much about it, but I can say that one thing I’ve learned so far is to move slow and steady. (Just like the lyrics I quoted above.)

Some of our clients don’t move very fast, but they are efficient. They take their time thinking through decisions they need to make. I’ve had to acquire a new level of patience, because I’ve realized that if you try to rush them, you’ll get nowhere.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized that I have learned to be quick quick quick with everything. That’s one reason I get so stressed. Looking back on my life I can see key points in my life that have conditioned me to get stressed if things aren’t done quickly.

Moving forward with my life, I want to change this about myself (to a healthy degree). I want to enjoy life more. I want to be the turtle instead of the rabbit. I want to mosey along and smell the roses.

Enjoy the scenery.

Much love. <3

Lego House

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I’m going to pick up the pieces and build a Lego house. If things go wrong I can knock it down….

I’ve been thinking about how fragile life can be again. How quickly things can change, how quickly things can go wrong. Really really wrong.

My mom has been in and out of the hospital quite a bit lately with heart problems. It seems like its getting worse and worse. It’s definitely happening more frequently.

Each time it happens it strikes more fear in my heart that I am going to lose her soon. Lets face it, none of us are getting any younger. I’ve already lost one parent, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to handle losing my mom.

When I try to talk about it with her she just laughs it off. “I’m too mean” she says. Insinuating that heaven doesn’t want her and Hell is afraid she’ll take over. Other times she’ll tell me “life will go on, you’ll be fine.”

I understand this is just her way of dealing with it and trying to help me feel better, but it doesn’t. What would make me feel better is if she didn’t have these health problems. If I knew, without a doubt, that she is going to be in my life forever. Or for at least a really long time. If I knew that when she’s not feeling good, that I don’t have to worry about going to her house and finding her dead.

…but that isn’t possible, because we are talking about life. Life doesn’t give a fuck about what you want. Life isn’t comforting it doesn’t care if it upsets you. Life is nothing but a self centered bitch.

When I think about my mom, I get this feeling of urgency in the pit of my stomach. (No, I don’t mean that I have to go to the bathroom.) I think about all the things I want her around for, my college graduation, wedding, grandkids, anniversaries. Everything

It feels like those things need to happen soon because life is going to do what it wants. If life says that my moms time on Earth is done, it doesn’t give a shit about what she may or may not be missing out on.

Life is selfish.

Fuck you life. Fuck you.