I’m done…..

…..with feeling stupid. I’m done with being made to feel like an idiot. School is supposed to build you up not tear you down. I’m done with classes. I’m just going to have to face it that I’ll never have my bachelors degree, and honestly I’m okay with that right now.

 

I’m done. Period.

Here Comes The Bride

Hey all!

Its been awhile since I’ve written, I’ve been busy with some changes in my life.

Awhile back I met a guy through an online dating site. Patrick. We talked and hit it off, but I was in the midst of starting school again (as you all know) and I didn’t want to jeopardize that. Plus I was working nights, and didn’t know how having a relationship would work out with that type of schedule. So I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship at that time and explained why. He took it in stride, and said he’d like to remain friends. So that’s what we did. We continued to talk, he stayed up all night at times talking to me, and finally when I got my schedule straightened around I decided to meet him. Boy was I nervous!

Anyways, long story short, we hit it off and a few months later moved in together and now we are engaged. He proposed to me before Christmas. He was planning on proposing on Christmas or New Years, but jumped the gun because it just felt like the right time. I, of course, said yes and now am planning a wedding for September 6th 2014.

So there’s that change, and I also started a new job. My official title is Certified Peer Support Specialist. I went through 2 very intense weeks of training in Cambridge Springs (by Erie, PA) in order to get certified. The training was awesome, but I got sick halfway through it and ended up going to the ER. I think if I hadn’t been so sick I would have enjoyed the training more, but it is what it is. So now I’m a CPSS. I have a credential to add to my signature that will soon be changing! I’m super proud! I’m working on getting my case load set up. I’ve been doing trainings in the office for the last two weeks. Its been kind of boring, but I sure do enjoy meeting with my consumers. I can’t wait until that’s all I do every day.

…..and I’ve started another semester at school–which has been a chore in itself. (Oh, to give you an update on last semester… I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, but I’m taking it in stride. I got an A in my Social Work class but failed my Psychology of Music class. Blah!) Anywho, I was registered for two Anthropology classes this semester, but one of them was cancelled. By the time I was able to meet with my advisor my only option was a class called Political Psychology…..with the same professor that failed me last semester. I’m really stressing. Politics and I don’t really do well together. I’m also pretty stressed about my Anthropology class. I’m trying not to defeat myself before the semester even gets rolling, but its pretty hard to be positive about everything.

Also I found out when I was trying to find a new class, that my adviser didn’t realize that I haven’t had a Statistics class so I can’t take my Capstone class… and there is no way I’ll be graduating in a year like I thought. I’m so frustrated with school I just want to say fuck it, and call it quits. I have told my mom and Patrick that if I fail a class this semester I’m not going back…. but I suppose I can’t really say for sure. Part of me says “You’re so close, don’t give up.” but part of me says “Whats the point?” I don’t know. We’ll see how everything goes.

One last thing before I go…. about the wedding, I’ve been severely stressed out about paying for everything. Everything is coming out of my pocket and its eating at me night and day….I was wondering if my loyal readers would mind going to this website: www.fundly.com/angela-and-patricks-wedding and donating a dollar or two to help us pay for our special day. We’re cutting corners to have the cheapest wedding possible, but still have a beautiful day. If you could spare any little bit, we would really appreciate it…..and if you can’t spare anything, that’s okay, but could you do me a favor and please share the link with your family and friends. Maybe someone, somewhere can spare some change and help make our day a day to remember.

Until next time. ❤

Life Strikes Again

Well, life strikes again. I always say that life doesn’t give a fuck about you want….all that matters is what life wants.

I had a health scare these last few weeks. I’ve had a heavy period for about 4 weeks now. It was looking like i might have to have surgery to take care of the bleeding…..I went to the doctor and she did some blood work. Everything came back normal. When I was in the office she said that if everything came back normal then my hormones were probably out of whack and she would put me on birth control. My hormones have always even out of whack…. So I wasn’t surprise when that became the outcome. I’ve been on the medicine for two days and the bleeding had almost stopped. Thank God. No surgery needed.

You’d think I would be happy….but I’m struggling to be happy right now.

My problem with life at the moment is knowing that because I’ve been put on birth control for an ongoing problem, I’ll probably be on it long term….which means I probably won’t ever have kids.

My heart aches.

I won’t ever know the love between a child and mother. No one is ever going to call me mommy. No baby showers for me. No baby bumps. No feeling the baby kick. No babies.

I may not be at a point in my life right now to have kids, but I’ve always longed to raise a family of my own. Now I probably never will.

Some might say there are other options such as adopting….but I’ve looked into that and it costs thousands of dollars. Money I’ll probably never have.

I know that I’ll accept this and move forward with life, eventually, but right now I’m grieving. I’m angry at life. I’m angry at God. I’m angry at myself and my body. I feel defective. After all I’ve been through in life, I couldn’t even get this right. What type of person does that make me? I feel cheated.

At the same time I feel like I have no right to feel this way. There are so many people out there who can’t have kids. I’m not alone. What gives me the right to be angry?

I don’t know anymore.

I don’t have any answers.

Fuck life and it’s damn terms.

By the Grace of God

Hey all!

I was listening to music the other day and a song hit me hard. Katy Perry’s “By the Grace of God”

I was driving down the road in tears because of it. It felt like someone was looking in on my life a year ago.

Then it hit me. A year ago. I had no job and nothing looked promising. No boyfriend, I felt unloveable. I had just moved into my apartment from my friends basement. I was depressed and trying to get my medication for my bipolar both regulated and filled with no health insurance. I had just been diagnosed as being bipolar. I was having severe panic attacks.

A year ago I had very little hope that my life was ever going to be good again. I couldn’t fathom it.

Here it is a year later, I have a great job, and I’m getting ready to go away for two fully paid weeks for training for a new job. I’ve got a boyfriend that treats me like gold. My medication is (for the most part) regulated to where my mental health is stable. I have excellent benefits from work and I’m happy with my life.

I’m happy.

A year ago I never thought I was going to be happy again!

It’s amazing what can happen in a year.

I think about everything that I’ve been through and it seems unreal. I feel like I was in a nightmare and now I’m living in a dream. I know it could change at any minute, but for now….by the grace of God….life is good.

I don’t know if any of you believe in God, and truthfully I don’t care. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But I know that I wouldn’t be where I am now if *someone* wasn’t looking out for me.

I have never felt so low in my life, and somehow I found the strength to pick myself up off the bathroom floor and decide that suicide was not the answer. That being unhappy was not the way I wanted to live, and that I was lovable. I AM lovable.

I don’t know how I made it through another year, but I did and I’m so grateful that I did.

Guess Whos Back!

So, when I got my new phone I lost my Google Authenticator and was locked out of my blog thanks to the two step verification process. I was finally able to get ahold of some wonderful man that helped me unlock my blog, and I’m back!

I wanted to give a little bit of an update about how things are going with me. I had previously blogged about having some anxiety about starting school and working at the same time. Well, I’m doing it, and with very little problems. I’ve been able to juggle both school and work with only as much as some heartburn and burning eyes from exhaustion….. which will soon all end, because I got a new job! I will be working days, having Tuesdays and Thursdays off for classes, thankfully cutting down on having to go to work with no sleep. I’m super excited to be starting. I’ll blog more about that later.

As for my classes. I’m taking two: Psychology of Music, and Intro to Social Work. I was super excited for both classes, but Psychology of Music has yet to deliver to my expectations. In fact, I’m pretty worried about the midterm and final, as those are the only two grades for the class. I think they may be take-home though, so that will help greatly.

My social work class has met my expectations and exceeded them. There is ALOT of work to do for it, but I’ve found that it really interests me, so I don’t feel like I’m really doing work. I’m pretty excited about the class, and for my future. I feel like I’ve finally found a direction for my life. I feel Social Work may be my path. I’m very passionate about it–doing extra readings just to get a feel for the field. Only time will tell, but I’m very optimistic.

And as for my depression/bipolar being under control, I have my good days and I have my bad days as anyone does. Things got a little rough about a week before starting classes. I had a hard time controlling my anger, I felt like I would burst at any second. I took a week off of work, thinking I was just stressed out because of some drama there, but the symptoms didn’t go away. Luckily I have a wonderful doctor. I called the office to get an appointment and they couldn’t get me in, so he talked to me over the phone and ended up increasing my medication.

Its frustrating when things like that happen, because you feel like you’re on the right track with everything and then BAM! You get derailed. Luckily mine was short lived, and I feel like I’m pretty much back on track.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. It means a lot to know that I have people who are interested in my life, both good and bad. 🙂

Struggling

I’ve been struggling to be happy lately. Struggling with self image and self worth. Struggling to have faith in myself and my abilities, my strength.

There are some pretty big changes about to happen in my life. I hope that once these changes pass and everything settles, so will my happiness at least for the most part.

I’ve been worrying about stupid things. Weight, love, school, work, family, friends, etc etc. The list is huge!

I don’t know how to make it stop except for wait it out and remember the serenity prayer.

Any suggestions?

Hey you, down front!

I can hardly believe it. It looks like Ill be starting classes again in the fall to hopefully finish up my bachelors degree. The only thing I’m waiting on right now is to hear from the financial aid office to know how much financial aid Ill be getting. It’s not going to be much, I’m almost maxed out, but hopefully it’ll be enough to cover the two classes I’m enrolled in. (Psychology of Music and Social Work.)

I’ve been kind of keeping this to myself because I don’t want it to fall through the cracks and then have to be embarrassed that I can’t do it.

I’m so nervous about it. I’ll still be working full time. I need to in order to keep my health insurance. I’m nervous that I won’t be able to handle the stress or financial burden. What if I don’t do very well in my classes?

I know these are all concerns that will fall to the wayside when I get into the swing of things.

It’s really weird to be considered a non traditional student now. I’ll be one of those older people that comes back for their degree that you hate because they sit up front and ask too many questions.

Wow.

It just hit me how far I’ve come since I started this blog. Some days I feel like I’m spinning my wheels in mud, but then I have days like this where I realize how far I’ve come.

Needless to say I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. Lets hope this goes smoothly.

Support Group

So, I’ve been mulling over the idea of starting a support group in my area for Depression and Bipolar. There isn’t one anywhere near the area, and I think it would help me if I made connections with people that understood what I deal with on a daily basis. This is a pretty big part of who I am, and even though my friends and family have all been understanding, it would be nice to have people around that can truly understand. 

I went to DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) and got some information about forming a DBSA affiliated chapter. I was super stoked to be going about this….but when I got the packet of information, there was information in there that discouraged me and kind of made me fearful to even start a support group. 

First of all, there are fees in order to be affiliated with DBSA. Well, okay I thought… who needs to be affiliated right away? We could just have a little get-together and sit around and chat…. but in the packet, it said that if you aren’t affiliated and you don’t have a board of directors, and you get sued, you are responsible for everything.

I don’t want to be sued!! 

Misunderstandings happen. I can’t be liable for anything that is said. 

Jeepers! I’m barely holding my head above water financially. I can’t afford to be sued!! 

I had originally wanted to get together a bunch of people that I knew, just to start out and then open it up to the public, but then I realized that I didn’t really know a whole lot of people with Depression or Bipolar (or at least people that care to admit it) So then I thought about opening it up to the public to start out…. but now we’re talking about being sued and I have no clue what I’m doing to begin with…. 

So, do any of my readers have ideas, hints, tips, anything that may help me not freak out about this, and continue with this endeavor? 

 

Take Me As I Am

So, all of my faithful readers know this about me, but for my first time readers….I’m bipolar. I also have anxiety…quite a few versions of it.

I’m okay with this, it’s not something I can change about myself so I’ve had to become okay with it, but believe me if I could change it, I would. My issue right now is figuring out how and when to tell someone that you’re just getting to know.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, and it’s really weighing on my mind today. To me, being bipolar is not a huge deal, but someone else may think it is and it may scare them.

Maybe I’m just being silly. I’m a great person. I have a lot to offer. My friends all accept me, including this part of me. I should just own it.

I know some of my readers have been or are in the same boat. I know a lot of you deal with being bipolar or having depression. How do you handle this type of situation?

Detour

I just got done reading a book called Detour, my bipolar road trip in 4-D. It was given to me as a gift from a friend who is bipolar also. I was very intrigued when I saw it and had to read it right away.

This post is not a book review, although I will say I loved this book. This post is some of my thoughts after I read the book.

In this book, the author Lizzie is on a road trip to find her “herd”. People who are bipolar just like her. But she wants to find successful bipolar patients. She drops everything to go on this road trip.

I have thought since I was first diagnosed how this disorder almost isolates you from the “normal” people. I’m blessed to have one friend that is a “bipolar buddy” but we don’t really talk about it. I know, however, if I needed her she would be there in a heartbeat. My family doesn’t really understand what I go through, Hell I don’t even understand most of the time. And I don’t dare mention it to the people I work with because they are mostly all back stabbing women.

That being said I have really felt isolated when it comes to being bipolar.

I’ve thought about seeking out a support group, but there isn’t one listed for miles and miles. I created online support groups, but its hard to make people talk. I’ve even thought about creating a local support group, but taking on this task by myself scares the shit out of me.

Stigma sucks. Why should I be afraid to own a part of me. In the book it says somewhere near 70% of people have a mood disorder…and the statistics have probably increased since the book was written. That’s a lot of damn people. Not to mention people who havent been formally diagnosed. Depression, bipolar, anxiety etc….

Why is it that when people hear bipolar, they automatically think “crazy”? I’m not crazy. I’m what they call high functioning. That title both makes me feel like dirt and feel special at the same time.

First of all I don’t want a label. But if you have to give me one, why give that label? On one hand, high function sounds awesome! On a scale from low to high, high is great! But on the other hand that gives the impression that I could be non functioning. It sets the bar low for me. If people expect me to fail, then maybe I will.

I don’t take the title of disabled. I have the diagnosis and that’s it. I don’t consider myself unable to work, even though working is more difficult for me. I wouldn’t dream of going on disability for this, unless things got ALOT worse.

Am I really alone in my thinking? I long to feel connected to someone or many someone’s that share my thinking but I don’t know the first step in finding these people. I long for the companionship of someone who understands this aspect of my life.

I know I’m not alone, but if I can’t own my bipolar-ness due to fear of being judged, then how can I connect with anyone? I can’t.

So here’s my pledge: I will try each day to own this, in some way. But all of you out there that understand how I’m feeling, you own it too! maybe if we all own it, stigma will start to go away.

You can start owning it by getting in touch with me. Lets ban together and stop feeling so alone!!