Soldier

“….afraid of what they might lose. Might get scraped or they might get bruised. You could beg but whats the use? Thats why its called the moment of truth…..”

SENSITIVE TOPICS FOLLOW: IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THEM, OR BE SUPPORTIVE, GET LOST!

All of you–my readers–know that I’ve been going through a rough patch lately. I’ve blogged a little bit about it, without divulging too many personal details. So what you don’t know is how bad its been. I haven’t wanted to blog about it because I’ve been feeling guilty about being so down-in-the-dumps lately, which hasn’t helped me feel any better…its like a vicious cycle…. I would like to be able to say that I’ve got nothing to complain about. I really shouldn’t be complaining. My life could be so so so much worse.  Blah blah blah. I know all of this, but it doesn’t help me feel any better. 

Last night I hit a big time low…. When I worked at my last job we were always trying to teach the kids “use your positive coping skills”, and when they didn’t there were consequences. Lately my “positive coping skills” haven’t been helping and it’s made me think that maybe they should reconsider the consequences. Here is why I say this: I have a nice big bottle of vodka in my fridge, left over from New Years. Last night, I was seriously considering using it to drown my sorrows. Luckily one of my best friends talked me out of it, and helped me through what I was feeling. If she hadn’t been there for me, who knows what decision I would have made.

I guess thats neither here nor there…..

I think if I get out what I’ve been feeling it might help, so here goes:

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m spinning my wheels in this game of life and there has been no end in sight. I’ve been off of work for a little over a month now, due to an injury. I haven’t had any income, and my bills have just been piling up around me. I’m so blessed to have family members that care enough to do what they can, but its been a real struggle for them and me.

If one bill gets paid, thats groceries that I don’t have and vice versa. I haven’t been eating much, because there isn’t much in my apartment to eat. I have animals that depend on me that are just like my kids, and I haven’t been able to provide for them. I haven’t been able to provide for myself or my family, I’ve been relying on my mom and great aunt to provide for me and its been very degrading. Not because of them, but because I am supposed to be taking care of  them. At the very least I should be taking care of myself. I’m almost 26, my life should not be in shambles. I shouldn’t be worried about how I’m going to buy a gallon of milk, or how I’m going to pay for my prescriptions (which I’m still not able to do…) or where my rent money is coming from. I should have a stable life right now, but I don’t.

I’ve also been feeling very lonely lately. I’ve got wonderful friends. Friends that I love so much…. but they all have their own lives, and I understand that they can’t be there for me every time I need them. I’ve been bugging one of my best friends to come over for a girls night, but things just haven’t worked out to where we can get together, even though I know we both want it. Its disheartening, even though I completely understand. 

To top everything off, I’ve realized that I absolutely can not return to where I work due to how my boss treats me. So I’ve been looking for a new job, to no avail.

My apartment isn’t holding heat, and the ceiling in the back part of the apartment has a new leak in it everyday with tiles falling down like mortars falling from the sky. 

When I started applying to jobs, I applied (just for shits and giggles) for a CNA job in Pittsburgh… almost 3 hours away from my home. With the luck I have been having with every other job I’ve applied for, I never thought I would hear anything about it. I was wrong. They are the only people who have taken an interest in me.

This would all be such a great thing, except they’re 3 hours away. I told my mom, and she didn’t take the idea so well. I don’t blame her now that we’ve talked things out, but it was a huge blow up. She was being practical with thinking about moving expenses and cost of living and I’m sure she doesn’t want her daughter that far away from her. I, however, was thinking that it was a new opportunity for me. It was a chance to get my life picked back up and back on track.  I was being optimistic and adventurous…

It was when this blow up happened that I realized why I’ve been so down on myself lately. I’m scared. I’m scared that I will never be able to fully pick up the pieces of my life and get it back to the way that I want it. I’m scared that I wont have the life I want… a career that I love, a husband, kids, house…. a perfect-to-me life.

I’m scared that I will always be in this situation. I realized that I don’t trust myself and my decisions anymore. Every single decision that I have made in my life has lead me to be right exactly where I am at…. in this wonderfully shitty situation. I know that there have been other people making decisions as well that have guided my life, but for the most part I have no one to blame but myself… So I don’t trust my decision making skills. 

I’m scared that I am letting everyone around me down. Not only has my family been financially supporting me, but my friends and family both have been emotionally supportive. I have two friends that have been taking the brunt of my depressing situation. They’ve been my rocks. Its hard for me to open up to anyone, because I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining and I feel like I will bring people down with me. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer…. I’m scared that I will eventually lose them… and then where would I be? … Completely and utterly alone.

I don’t want to be someone who people dread talking to. I want to be that one person that always puts a smile on your face. I want people to look forward to talking to me… but lately I don’t even look forward to talking to myself. Haha!*

I know I’m lucky… I’m blessed. I have friends and family that care an awful lot about me. Friends that haven’t turned their backs on me, just because I’ve been down in the dumps. Family that has pulled together to support me in any way that they can. I’m blessed. I know this. I’ve just been so consumed with self doubt and self pity, that it hasn’t been able to carry me through. I need to get back to where that is enough for me. At this given moment, knowing how blessed I am SHOULD be enough to help me through this rough time…

 

I guess all I want is to be the person that is the supporter, not the person that needs supported.