Struggling

I’ve been struggling to be happy lately. Struggling with self image and self worth. Struggling to have faith in myself and my abilities, my strength.

There are some pretty big changes about to happen in my life. I hope that once these changes pass and everything settles, so will my happiness at least for the most part.

I’ve been worrying about stupid things. Weight, love, school, work, family, friends, etc etc. The list is huge!

I don’t know how to make it stop except for wait it out and remember the serenity prayer.

Any suggestions?

Soldier

“….afraid of what they might lose. Might get scraped or they might get bruised. You could beg but whats the use? Thats why its called the moment of truth…..”

SENSITIVE TOPICS FOLLOW: IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THEM, OR BE SUPPORTIVE, GET LOST!

All of you–my readers–know that I’ve been going through a rough patch lately. I’ve blogged a little bit about it, without divulging too many personal details. So what you don’t know is how bad its been. I haven’t wanted to blog about it because I’ve been feeling guilty about being so down-in-the-dumps lately, which hasn’t helped me feel any better…its like a vicious cycle…. I would like to be able to say that I’ve got nothing to complain about. I really shouldn’t be complaining. My life could be so so so much worse.  Blah blah blah. I know all of this, but it doesn’t help me feel any better. 

Last night I hit a big time low…. When I worked at my last job we were always trying to teach the kids “use your positive coping skills”, and when they didn’t there were consequences. Lately my “positive coping skills” haven’t been helping and it’s made me think that maybe they should reconsider the consequences. Here is why I say this: I have a nice big bottle of vodka in my fridge, left over from New Years. Last night, I was seriously considering using it to drown my sorrows. Luckily one of my best friends talked me out of it, and helped me through what I was feeling. If she hadn’t been there for me, who knows what decision I would have made.

I guess thats neither here nor there…..

I think if I get out what I’ve been feeling it might help, so here goes:

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m spinning my wheels in this game of life and there has been no end in sight. I’ve been off of work for a little over a month now, due to an injury. I haven’t had any income, and my bills have just been piling up around me. I’m so blessed to have family members that care enough to do what they can, but its been a real struggle for them and me.

If one bill gets paid, thats groceries that I don’t have and vice versa. I haven’t been eating much, because there isn’t much in my apartment to eat. I have animals that depend on me that are just like my kids, and I haven’t been able to provide for them. I haven’t been able to provide for myself or my family, I’ve been relying on my mom and great aunt to provide for me and its been very degrading. Not because of them, but because I am supposed to be taking care of  them. At the very least I should be taking care of myself. I’m almost 26, my life should not be in shambles. I shouldn’t be worried about how I’m going to buy a gallon of milk, or how I’m going to pay for my prescriptions (which I’m still not able to do…) or where my rent money is coming from. I should have a stable life right now, but I don’t.

I’ve also been feeling very lonely lately. I’ve got wonderful friends. Friends that I love so much…. but they all have their own lives, and I understand that they can’t be there for me every time I need them. I’ve been bugging one of my best friends to come over for a girls night, but things just haven’t worked out to where we can get together, even though I know we both want it. Its disheartening, even though I completely understand. 

To top everything off, I’ve realized that I absolutely can not return to where I work due to how my boss treats me. So I’ve been looking for a new job, to no avail.

My apartment isn’t holding heat, and the ceiling in the back part of the apartment has a new leak in it everyday with tiles falling down like mortars falling from the sky. 

When I started applying to jobs, I applied (just for shits and giggles) for a CNA job in Pittsburgh… almost 3 hours away from my home. With the luck I have been having with every other job I’ve applied for, I never thought I would hear anything about it. I was wrong. They are the only people who have taken an interest in me.

This would all be such a great thing, except they’re 3 hours away. I told my mom, and she didn’t take the idea so well. I don’t blame her now that we’ve talked things out, but it was a huge blow up. She was being practical with thinking about moving expenses and cost of living and I’m sure she doesn’t want her daughter that far away from her. I, however, was thinking that it was a new opportunity for me. It was a chance to get my life picked back up and back on track.  I was being optimistic and adventurous…

It was when this blow up happened that I realized why I’ve been so down on myself lately. I’m scared. I’m scared that I will never be able to fully pick up the pieces of my life and get it back to the way that I want it. I’m scared that I wont have the life I want… a career that I love, a husband, kids, house…. a perfect-to-me life.

I’m scared that I will always be in this situation. I realized that I don’t trust myself and my decisions anymore. Every single decision that I have made in my life has lead me to be right exactly where I am at…. in this wonderfully shitty situation. I know that there have been other people making decisions as well that have guided my life, but for the most part I have no one to blame but myself… So I don’t trust my decision making skills. 

I’m scared that I am letting everyone around me down. Not only has my family been financially supporting me, but my friends and family both have been emotionally supportive. I have two friends that have been taking the brunt of my depressing situation. They’ve been my rocks. Its hard for me to open up to anyone, because I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining and I feel like I will bring people down with me. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer…. I’m scared that I will eventually lose them… and then where would I be? … Completely and utterly alone.

I don’t want to be someone who people dread talking to. I want to be that one person that always puts a smile on your face. I want people to look forward to talking to me… but lately I don’t even look forward to talking to myself. Haha!*

I know I’m lucky… I’m blessed. I have friends and family that care an awful lot about me. Friends that haven’t turned their backs on me, just because I’ve been down in the dumps. Family that has pulled together to support me in any way that they can. I’m blessed. I know this. I’ve just been so consumed with self doubt and self pity, that it hasn’t been able to carry me through. I need to get back to where that is enough for me. At this given moment, knowing how blessed I am SHOULD be enough to help me through this rough time…

 

I guess all I want is to be the person that is the supporter, not the person that needs supported. 

Unconditional Love

There is nothing better than a love that you know will always be there. A love that will last the test of time. Through battles and triumphs. Through good times and bad times you know it will always be there, keeping you strong when you feel like you just want to give up. Its the most amazing feeling knowing that you have that type of love in your life. That love can come from anywhere. A lover, a pet, a friend, family member. Anywhere.

I don’t always see just how loved I am…. especially lately. However, I’m starting to see that even if others show it differently than I would, I am still loved. Lets all just take a moment today and recognize those who love us unconditionally. Without them, where would we be? I know I wouldn’t be here.

“Unconditional love… will not be swayed by time or circumstances. ” ― Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

The Problem With Having Problems

“The problem with having problems is that ‘someone’ always has it worse.” —Tiffany Madison, Black and White

I LOVE this quote. I know there is a negative spin to it, but if you really think about it, you can spin it in a positive way. 

I had that poll on a previous blog, about whether or not you have been diagnosed with a mental illness, and only a handful of people took it, however the results thus far (and if you haven’t answered it, go back and answer please!) 3 people said “Yes, diagnosed”, 3 people said No and 1 said they had wondered but never checked into it. 

Now, the reason why I bring this up is because its not what I had thought at all. The pattern in MY life, is that if someone asks how I’m doing, they are doing worse. Which sometimes gives me hope that I’m not doing SO bad, but it can also be irritating sometimes. However, if you go by my poll, this shouldn’t happen. At least when it comes to mental illnesses. Now, like I promised on my facebook page, I have no frickin clue who answered in what way. Which kind of bugs me because I’d like to know who in my life said no, *shifty eyes* Are you the people that always have it worse than me? Or are you the people that are annoyed when I need to talk about something that is bugging me? I have no idea.

Anywho, I guess it doesn’t matter because as I was sitting here reflecting on the quote and the poll a certain someone’s voice popped into my head that is always saying “I know someone that knows someone….” so MAYBE that’s why it seems like someone always has it worse than you. 

I can honestly say that it bugs the shit out of me when someone says “I know someone that knows someone that can relate to your problem.” I’m not talking to that someone, I’m talking to you! If you can’t relate, then keep your damn mouth shut until you understand my issue enough that you CAN relate. 

Sometimes when you are going through a problem, all you need is someone who will listen to you, not try and fix it, not make you feel as though you aren’t alone, not someone that will make you count your blessings. You just want to vent, and you want someone to listen. 

My mom is awful about this. (Sorry Mom). She always wants to fix my problems, but she can’t. I have to fix my problems if I can. (I’ll give credit where credit is due: She has gotten better about when I’m venting to say “If I can help in any way, let me know. I’m here for you.” That goes sooooooooo much further than “Well, you should do this and this and this and this and it will make it all better!”)

It seems like a lot of the time, people don’t think about the fact that just because you are having a problem, doesn’t mean that you’ve lost your brain. You can still think for yourself, and you’ve probably thought about a million different things that may or may not work to help your situation. Let it go people, if I wanted help, I would say “Hey you, I need your help.” or “Can you help me?” 

AND, I know I don’t want to hear about the person you know that knows a person whos brother’s cousin’s sister’s 3rd uncle has the same problem! Jeepers!

I digress.